antisocialism & anxiety
There's a party happening downstairs in my hostel common room and here I am sitting alone in my dark room.Something's happening. I think I'm getting old. All this loud music and loud chatter makes me claustrophobic.
I just want to hide and be alone and be antisocial.
I must be getting too old for this.I prefer to just hang out with close friends and find somewhere quiet to chat... 15 mins later.....There are 12 people in my room at the moment. They are playing Mafia.I thought it would just be the 4 of us.Suddenly a whole crowd of people are here.I feel claustrophobic again.I withdrew.I never used to be like that.What's wrong?...Which reminds me of college on Tuesday. I had an anxiety attack. I felt physically sick when I had to cross-examine a witness in court. Of course it was only a trial run and the "witness" was my classmate and the "judge" was my consultant, but I still felt sick at the thought of standing up in front of my group and consultant and speaking with 12 pairs of eyes staring at me.I asked for permission to leave then went home and cried.How am I going to overcome this?I've had so much encouragement and reassurance from classmates and friends but they can't understand. To them it's a small thing and it comes naturally - of course they won't think much of it.The funny thing is, I never used to be like that.Before I started uni I didn't have a problem doing presentations and speaking in front of many people.Maybe for some reason I don't feel comfortable in my group.Maybe it's because I don't feel competent because my group members are all so amazingly smart.*sigh* Maybe I should start acting like a lawyer if I can't be one.
Yinny was Joshing around @ 7:27 PM
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