confessions
Confessions of an eternal teenagerI want to say something but I don’t know what. I realise that I’m constantly feeling this way recently. I get random thoughts at random times and they get all jumbled up cuz they just run through my mind with the speed of lightning. Every thought is vastly different to the next. I feel confused. Here are a few that went through my mind just as I was typing those few sentences:
Exams are coming up and I feel extremely stressed out for various reasons. I can’t remember if I’ve felt THIS stressed out before because I feel like I’m on the verge of a breakdown at the moment. I feel like just walking away and saying, “screw this” and copp out on my papers and re-sit them next semester. That’s how unsure I am about the exams now. I'm dying silently. I wish whoever invented bloody exams would rot in their graves. Pooey.
I’ve realised that I have this perverted need to constantly perve on guys. You know, not in the REALLY perverted sort of way like having sex or what, but I like the feeling when I see a guy I like. It’s like an adrenaline rush. When I like someone, I want to be in their presence 24/7. It’s like a drug/addiction. When I don’t see them, I start to crave for the next time you see them again. It’s pathetic I know, but I can’t help it!! And then it becomes a game. Even if I don’t like really the person, I make myself believe that I do to fulfil my perverted needs. So for example, if I hate going to a lecture, I pick the hottest guy there to scam on every time I go to that lecture. It actually motivates me. Well, whatever rocks my socks right? I still hate guys though. How ironic.
I’ve also realised that you think that the people who have known you for ages and are close to you can understand you. And they don’t. It’s like no one agrees with my point of view anymore. No one understands what I am thinking and saying. It’s f****** annoying. To make matters worse, they judge you and try and impose their views on you or pretend to understand you. WTF???
To top it all off, I annoy myself sometimes. I have this idiotic habit of looking at people/things and most of the time and picking out their flaws instead of their positives. I see a glass which is half empty (actually when I was first asked that question I said it was half full but it looks like it may not be the case anymore). I don’t know how I cultivated that awful characteristic. It may be from my parents. I remember when I was growing up, they didn't have anything good to say about me. I could get 97% for an exam and they'd go, "What? How come you didn't score full marks??" Geeze. I can’t help it! So if someone says, "Wow! So-and-so is really good looking", I'd say, "Yea, but he's damn dumb". I am so mean it scares me sometimes.
Moreover, I feel uncomfortable when people praise me!!! REALLY!!! And I realised that it is SUPER hard for me to compliment others as well (so when I do, I REALLY mean it)!!! Because when I was growing up, I hardly received compliments, so I'm just not used to it. It's just major weird. I should see a psychologist. I must have been a deprived, abused kid. Poor me.
Before I forget, I want to thank the gals for the amazing time we had on the 27th May 2006. We…
1. Played badminton in the morning
2. Yum cha-ed in the afternoon
3. Watched “Take the lead” – was really good
4. Sang our hearts out at karaoke
5. Came home and played Monopoly, cards (every game we could think of) whilst consuming alcohol as a punishment (Indian poker is SOOO fun)
6. Played the most fun “Truth or dare” I’ve ever had whilst intoxicated – With ME answering MAJOR intrusive & embarrassing questions
7. All slept in my room on the friggin hard floor. I had to move up to my bed because I couldn’t take it – I can’t believe Amy & Syl enjoyed it
8. Slept in till mid-afternoon the next day before sluggishly starting revision for exams
I was hoping for a pour-your-hearts-out extremely long girly chat but in the end some people got intoxicated and weren’t thinking straight anymore and fell asleep. What to do. So I pour my heart out on this blog loh.
Disclaimer: BTW, this information is strictly confidential to readers of my blog only. Also, thou shalt not judge me after reading this post. Everybody is different. R.E.S.P.E.C.T.
~Bloody tired @ 4:10 a.m.
Yinny was Joshing around @ 1:56 AM
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